


Farscape: The Farthest Escape

by julysunicorn



Category: Farscape
Genre: Everyone hates Crais, Everyone hates Dargo, Everyone hates Rigel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28164771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julysunicorn/pseuds/julysunicorn
Summary: Something is wrong with Moya! What could be the problem? Crichton, Erin, and Dargo go check it out, and uncover a myriad of issues along the way. Not just regarding Moya, but regarding themselves. One-shot suggested by my classmate.





	Farscape: The Farthest Escape

**Author's Note:**

> hello readers! hope you're all doing swell this evening. so my campus is shut down because of COVID-19. my schoolmates were like "yay no school!" until they were hit with homework and DUH ONLINE SCHOOL EXISTS so they're bummed oit anyway even though this isn't the worst thing that could've happened. but to keep ourselves from going insane because going into town is dangerous, some of my buddies and other classmates dewcided to pitch some one-shot or two-shot ideas to me to write for fun. so we have this to keep us occupied at least! well that and the homework! but we also wanted to share threm on ff to help others too. so this one's by my classmate Lydia, she oftrn sits next to me in biology. hello there Lydia! this one's for you gurl! :D Lydia's a big Farscape fan and requested a one=shot of it when she found out I do fanficsion. I've never seen the show so I had to rely on Lydia's explanation of the characters. O enjoyed writing it but I have to admit it seems more like a Dargo hatefic. Lydia you doing okay? it's okay to dislike a character but I'm worried about ya is all. but anyway you asked for it, here ya go hon! :D

Farscape: The Farthest Escape

John Chrichton whistled as he walked down the halls of the ship, until everything jerked around and he fell on his bottom!

"okay, OW!" he said rubbing said bottom, his cheeks were red but he couldn't tell because he was wearng pants of course gross... "PILOT, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!"

"it wasn't me squire," Pilot reared his ugly head on a nearby clamshell. "Moya is having trouble starbursting for some reason."

"maybe the starburst tubes are clogged?" asked Erin, she walked in from the other hallway as she had been listening in the whole time, for she was a spy by trade originally.

"I don't know, but it's possible," said Pilot.

"well, we'll go check it out, c'mon Erin" said John and they walked to the back of Moya but were interrupted by someone...

"WHAT IN PILOT'S LONG FORGOTTEN HINEY HOLE ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" asked none other than, you guessed it, Dargo himself.

everyone hated Dargo. they hated him so much. he was mean and ugly and had actually killed his wife due to his temper problems, the bastard, but everyone forgave him for some reason? why, because John had some sort of bromance with the guy?! and then his girlfriend cheated on him with his son and evrryone was like booo Jothy, you sack of shit! but UH HEY HELLO his father was the bigger sack of shit here! he killed his mom! AND THEN ACTED LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG DID HE EVER BECOME NICER AFTER THAT HELL NO! sheesh just because your makeup looks good doesnt mean youre entitled to just being an asshole to everyone you meet smh. but he said, ""WHAT IN PILOT'S LONG FORGOTTEN HINEY HOLE ARE YOU TWO DOING"

Erin smacked his across the face with her rifle and shouted, "it is not long forgotten Pilot takes care of himself, unlike Rigel!"

"I RESENT THAT!" called Rigel from the other room, he was always listening in the little prick. ugh everyone is an asshole here except Jothy. and the pale girl who became his girlfriend.

"Dargo, we're tryin' to check on Moya's starbursting tubes, if they are clogged the Peacekeepers will surely make us suffer, and force feed us applesauce and put applesauce in our boots and force us to wear them."

"I do not wish to wear applesauced boots! In fact, I do not wish to wear any type of foot covering apparatus at all!" cried Rigle.

"I DON'T CARE" shrieked DARGO! "ERIN STOLE FROM MY QUARTERS, AND NOW SHE WILL PAY!"

"What the yotz do you want with her?!" asked Crichton, jumping in front of his girlfriend!

"SHE WILL PAY ME EITHER IN HER LIFE OR WITH HER SKIN, SEBEACEAN SKIN IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST HIDES IN THE GALAXY AND COATS MAD WITH IT SELL FOR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARD. I CAN FINALLY HAVE MY OWN AUTHENTIC SEBACEAN SKIN COAT GIVE IT OVER ERIN GIVE IT OVER NOW!"

"oh, fine," Erin snapped, and began peeling the skin off her arms.

"woah, woah, woah!" Crichton yelled, stopping Erin so she didn't hurt herself too much. "Dargo, what is so missing from your room that you think Erin is responsible?"

Dargo screamed and smashed Rigel's floating chair to little bits. "SHE STOLE MY 500 GALLOMS OF APPLESAUCE RIGHT FROM UNDER MY FRELLING NOSE, I WILL MURDER HER AND NO ONE WILL QUESTION ME BECAUSE I'M MALE AND A MAIN CHARACTER AND BUFF SO ALL THE MEN WATCHING WITH NO LIVES WHO WANT TO BE ME WILL NOT BE THREATENED!" he screeched.

Crichton lifted his eyebrow. "that... makes no sense at all." It made no sense, because all the male watchers wanted to be him, because he was clean-shaven and nice to women and everyone loved him instead of hating dargo, instead.

There was a short sound that went "puf" and everyone looked down to see Sikodzu hiding on the floor with her ass in the air, she had apparently tooted while in this position. she was holding a recorder up to them but when she noticed that they were looking at her put it away and went "aheheheh! what's up crewmates? Hangin' out?"

"YES" said Dargo admiring his massive schlong that no one wanted to be around and sex was never good because it took FOREVER (screamed in Zim's voice) to get up and size matters is only true in the sense that smaller penises are better because they don't make you feel like you're being split in half. I have this cousin, see, her exboyfriend had a huge penis or so im told. though the exact size diferend every time she told me about him it was roughly 10 (ten) inches. he laughed about it bragged about it took pictures of it and pasted them on his kitchen wall above the vegetable slicer. the guy was pretty sick in thatregard but my cousin dated him for like a yearand they had sex but my cousin always said "UGH HIS WEENIE IS ENORMOUS JULYSUNICORN SERIOUSLY IT COULD EASILY BE CLASSIFIED AS OBESE" "AND IT TAKES HIM LIKE AN HOUR OF FOREPLAY TO SPRING INTO ACTION" well one day over the summer they were at my grandparents house we were all at my grandparents house for the summer. one night we hear this terrible scream come from the bathroom. my cousin and her boyfriend were doin the nasty and his weenie was just too much this time, blew her clam to bits. at least that is how the dictor put it. there were pieces of her clam everywhere it was a true horror show and even now i can't look at that room without envisioning it. but they pieced her clam back together had to use some dsynthetic parts of course but she has a clam so hooray! though now she is esentially a cyborg, because you need at least one synthetic part to be a cyborg. so my cousin has a cyborg clam. but

Sikozu ran away and Crichton shook his head to get back in the game. "alright boys, we need to get this show on the road, let's go to Moya's starburst tubes."

but the whole time Dargo held a knife to Wrin's skin just in case she tried any funny business and also because he hadn't forgotten about his sweet sweet applesauce. or the sweet sweet loving he wanted to give to Crichton while drenched in said applesauce. but that was another reason why Dargo hated Erin. e had loved John since he saw him from the beginning and told im as much but Crichton couldn;t understand him man he didn't have his translator crobules in place, and now he was too embarrassed to say it again uwa!? but Crichton hated him anyeway so.

so they went to the sctarburst tubes and Crichten smelled peanut butter in the air. he whiffed around "Dargo you pass wind or something?"

Dargo sliced John's throat but missed his jugular and his esophagus so he was fine, it just hurt a little. but theyre eyes adjusted to the darkness and lo and behold, there was Captain Crias, sitting on the floor of Moya's colontube eating straight from a jar of peanut butter,

"CRAIS!" Crichton shouted pulling out his gunfor defesne, Erin was faster though and shot at Crais. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

"ONLY I CAN SHOUT HERE!" shouted Dargo from around the corner, but since he was all the way over there no one heard him...

"CRICHTON!" Crais shouted confronting his arch nemesis, the man who killed his sister. by now our team's eyes had adjusted and they could see an obese horse sitting next to Crais shairng said previously mentioned peanut butter, but no one was brave enough to ask what he was doing here.

"YOU ARE CLOGGNG MOYA'S ATARBURST TUBES CRAIS," Erin shuoted, "LEAVE THIM PLACE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL

"why? wat'll you do, Soon?!" Crais said threatening Erin for like the fiftieth time already.

"I WILL RAM MY GUN UP YOUR ABANDONED DECREPIT HINEY HOLE AND BLOW THAT PEANUT BUTTER THAT YOU ARE EATING RIGHT BACK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH"

Crais stiffened. "... you're bluffing!"

but the things Crichton witnessed in the next thrity minutes haunted him for the rest of his life, which only lasted another 45 minutes because Erin snapped mentally and destroyed his hiney hole too. then she whacked Dargo in the groin on the way back to Pilot.

"is it taken care of Erin?: asked Poilot.

"sure is babe," Erin said and made out with Pilot. they were secret lovers."

"blast off, baby," said Pilot as he put Moya into starburft and made out made love to Erin in the "cock"pit.

and that is the story of how erin turned into a pilot alien.

"wah!" Scropius gasped, waking up from his horribl nightmare of Erin seducing Pilot. everything else earlier really happened though.

"what an awful dream..."

in reality, Erin and the rest brought Crais' hiney hole back to pilot to prove he was dead. Moya was so happy, she knighted all three, except Dargo, he was demoted to busboy. they all lived happily ever after, and Chirchton and Erin got married and had two children, and Jothy and Chiana got married the same day they had a big party for both couples! Rigel died of food poisoning. Stark (the best character in the entire series) became sane and went on to become a jazz singer at a big fancy nightclub on a space station we all know and love. Zhaan died but that was years ago so no one was crying anymore. Sikozu andJewel got married too they had a big fat fancy wedding and reproduced naturally look at that! because their species were compatible that way. Crichton and Erin got a dog and lived the rest of their days happily on a cattle ranch in Utah.

Dargo was kicked in the groin by Erin and was sentenced to death for his crimes about time. he escpaed prison though but was shot on leaving but survived that too darn. but he finally died when - get this - he got a burger at an intergalactic fast food joint and it was undercooked and he developed a tapeworm and died. all his former crewmates were there at his funeral cheering and partying. and drinking. there was lots of drinking. Chricton actually died of alcohol poisoingi that day but that was okay, the rest deemed it a worthy sacrifice. so now he dances with Rigel's ghost and Dargo's ghost in the afterlive. but after all that, no one could believe that the nastiest, most ruthless, most soulless, most hated Luxurian the universe had ever known...

... had died to a cheeseburger.

THE END


End file.
